Propers: Jason Statham - Rise of the Action Hero

Things were looking a bit grim on the action hero front in the mid-late 90s. Most of the heavy hitters that had been in the game for a while were slowing down, getting into politics, or were Steven Seagal. There was a lull where not a whole lot was going on. Vin Diesel showed a bit of promise in the early aughts, but then made the move to family flick ("Pacifier") a bit too quickly for people to take him seriously.

Enter the Statham. He proved likable in the early Guy Richie movies, but stepped up big against Jet Li in "The One." What cemented his position as future action hero was his starring role in "The Transporter." This Luc Besson produced flick proved to be the mindless goldmine that vaulted Statham's career to the next level. He drives a fast car and then beats people up. What Statham is good at is keeping a completely straight face while pulling off some far fetched action sequence. Take this scene where he rings the door bell, somehow from 20 feet away, allowing him a running start to kick down the door. Most action heroes would play this suitably tongue in cheek and maybe give a knowing wink to the camera. Not Statham, he just delivers another kick to the head.

"Transporter 2" upped the ante of lunacy, and was still a really solid action movie. Things would hit a new high in action-movies-with-a-wink-and-a-nod in 2006. "Crank" was a 90 minute music video with cartoon action sequences and a plot that makes "Speed" look normal. It somehow crammed nearly all the action movie cliches into one story and still made it completely entertaining to watch. Only to be topped in crazy by its sequel (which was fun but suffered from taking the original and trying to out shock it). "Crank" is, if not the first, an early example of a new wave of action movies that unabashedly gives the audience all the over the top, far fetched, cartoon action they want without trying to bog the movie down with what is essentially a useless plot (see also "Shoot Em Up," "Machete," "Black Dynamite"). Movie makers and viewers have finally accepted that action movie plots are often more far fetched than some of the stunts, so why not trim the fat.

Jason Statham showed in "The Expendables" that he has worked his way into the action hero upper echelon and shows no sign of slowing down. It is about time there is a new action star. IMDB shows possible sequel to "The Expendables" and a couple other movies where he plays a variation of agent or elite secret agent. I for one am looking forward to a Statham starred remake, nay, reboot of "Double Impact."

The Cars That Ate Paris - 1974

This is no City of Light, it's more like the City of Brutal Car Wrecks.

I am not sure how to label this one, black comedy, satire, grindhouse, western deconstruction, horror... it is a bit of each. It was directed by Peter Weir (Dead Poets Society and Master & Commander) in 1974. This came around the time of other doom car movies like "Mad Max" and "Death Race 2000"

It opens with an idyllic couple smoking alpines and drinking coca-cola taking a nice drive in the country. Without warning a wheel falls off their car and they drive off the road and die, not unlike the ending of a Toonces skit. The next scene threatens to greet two more passengers with the same fate, but Arthur, our protagonist is spared. He wakes up in the small Australian town of Paris where he is adopted but the town mayor. Arthur, now terrified of driving due to the accident (and a sinister post accident trauma test), tries to leave via car and by foot. These attempts prove unsuccessful so eventually he gives in and stays in town.

The town residents include a mad surgeon, the youth (they are referred to as youth but look like they are in their mid to late twenties) that modify cars into death machines, and a group of lobotomized hospital patients. Turns out the town has a hobby of killing motorists, stripping their cars and using any possible survivors as science experiments.

The car crashes at the beginning of the movie offer a bit of action, but the bulk of the movie finds Arthur slowly discovering that this town is not what it seems, slow plodding eerie revelations to Paris' dark secrets. And then the ending happens.

There was a dispute between the Youth and the rest of the town folk which results in the burning of one of the souped up car/death machines. Retaliation happens at a bizarre town dance that seems like a scene used as the basis of a future David Lynch movie. The Youth attack killing a few townsfolk but themselves dying in the process. People are impaled on car spikes, others are repeatedly rammed with a car, a pretty bloody climax for the movie.

The attack forces Arthur to seek shelter and defend himself with a car which rids his fear of driving. After the attack Arthur leaves Paris for good. A rite of passage similar to Peckinpah's "Straw Dogs" but less misogynistic and infinitely more enjoyable.

Dystopian Month - Soylent Green and Logan's Run

Dystopian movies are some of my favorites. Social commentary wrapped up in a foreboding package that tells us the path we are on is not a good one. Our protagonists live in an outlandish future world or alternate reality and eventually question the equilibrium that is making that particular system operate. The outcomes can range from bleak to slightly less bleak.

Charlton Heston plays Detective Thorn in 1973's "Soylent Green." In 2022 the world population has exploded and resources are slim. This is a story that takes the theories of Thomas Malthus and gives it an insidious twist. The lower classes are forced to live on this substance called Soylent Green and sleep wherever they can, in some cases piled on top of each other in staircases. The rich on the other hand live in swank high rises and have female live-in companions/prostitutes called 'furniture.' Heston investigates the murder of a wealthy businessman which leads him on the trail to the origins of Soylent Green.

I was a bit torn on this movie. I thought it was pretty good, but really wanted to see a wacked out version of the future. Instead it was like looking at a cracked reflection; the future was highly recognizable to our own world now, but at the same time distorted. If you made it this far in life without somehow hearing the twist of the movie I don't want to be the one to spoil it for you, but it is pretty bleak. Heston uncovers a horrible truth and tries to expose the powers that be. Even if people do get wind of this secret (it is not really clear that they do), exposing it could cause widespread unrest and result in the deaths/starvation of millions.

So it goes.

"Logan's Run" delivered on the bizarro future reality that "Soylent Green" didn't. Set in 2274 where overcrowding is a concern in this movie too, the society limits peoples life to 30 years. People voluntarily die in a ceremony where they are promised to come back in a process called Renewal. It takes place in a ritual called Carousel in which people gather in a circle and start to float in the air, not unlike the fizzy lifting drink in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," but instead of almost getting chopped up by a fan, the people explode. Citizens are free to do as they please for their 30 years.

Every now and then someone tries to escape their fate and are chased down by Sandmen, who kill the runners. The title character is one of these Sandmen who is chosen to infiltrate a group who assist runners, in order to do this he must become a runner himself. He meets up with a female member of this underground group and together they escape into the outside world. During this time he learns that the Renewal process is a lie. Farrah Fawcett makes a fairly useless cameo and there is a robot somewhere in there too.

The question that came up here was why are they so worried about overpopulation then why are they living in this gigantic complex when there is a whole world outside? Maybe I missed that part.

Anyway they find this crazy old man who has a bunch of cats and talks the same backwards riddle speak as Yoda. This old man is crazy and the pair decide they must show him to everyone back home. After fighting with Logan's old Sandman friend they get the old man back to the complex, but no one will listen to Logan. The whole place starts to burn down for some reason or another and everyone flees to the outside world. There they see the old man and gather around him to touch his old face.

The rub is that now everyone must fend for themselves in the outside world that they are totally unprepared to deal with. They have had everything provided for them their entire lives and now that is all gone. What seems like a hopeful ending (no longer having to die at 30) winds up being just as bleak as "Soylent Green."

Is one more hopeful than the other? What do you think? Either way these are both pretty enjoyable Science Fiction flicks. There have been talks of remaking "Logan's Run" with Ryan Gosling as the lead...so there's that.

Superman IV - The Quest for Peace

REALLY?!?!

This is quite the lemon, one that is widely recognized as the worst of the series. I was wondering if my own biases against Superman were going to come up watching this movie, but that was definitely not the case. It was both fun and painful to watch, Nuclear Man was maybe the worst villain in history. The whole story is set against a preachy nuclear disarmament backdrop. And then there is John Cryer.

The movie starts with Superman talking to a green glowing orb underground in a barn that identifies itself as his mother. His mother has one last gift, a shard that is some sort of powerful thing that once Superman takes will make his mother cease to exist. Apparently he just wanted her to shut up because he took the shard and then stuck it in the pocket of some overalls that were hanging up on the wall.

Flash over to Lex Luthor, (Gene Hackman) who is breaking rocks in prison. His nephew Lenny (Cryer) drives some cartoon looking car into the rock quarry and after dispensing with the two guards leaves with his uncle Lex. Lenny is given maybe 20 lines in the whole movie, most of which are barely audible or incoherent, and he seems to be some sort of inept new wave surfer. A pretty useless character that seems like he should have been the comic relief, but winds up not doing anything funny.

Superman is challenged by some 4th grader to do something about making the world a peaceful and nuclear free place. He finally declares (in a weird UN meeting) that he is going to rid the world of nuclear weapons. Then the world powers, on the honor system I guess, fire all their missiles into space where Superman catches them in a big net and then hurtles them into the sun. Unbeknownst to Superman, that evil Lex Luthor synthesized some Superman stuff from one of his hairs (that could hold a one ton weight but could be easily cut with wire cutters) and attached it to a missile. The combination of nuclear mass, Superman stuff in the sun was the perfect storm to create Nuclear Man.

The fights between Nuclear Man and Superman are the lamest, most unsuspenseful, ever committed to film.
Nuclear Man blows up a volcano in Italy, Superman plugs it with a mountain cap.
Nuclear Man freezes Superman in a block of ice, Superman waits a bit and breaks out.
Nuclear Man destroys some of the Great Wall of China, Superman repairs it with some new fangled optic-masonry power.
Nuclear Man picks up the Statue of Liberty and tries to drop it on some people, Superman stops it and puts it back.
Then...Nuclear Man scratches Superman with his radioactive fingernails, END OF FIGHT! Here it is in the original and uncut version. It's longer that the fight in "They Live."

Superman gets bummed, talks to Lois Lane and then uses the magical glowing mom shard to heal himself. Nuclear Man returns to demand a date with Murial Hemmingway which Superman refuses to facilitate. Another fight, this time on the moon, and finally the villain is defeated by being thrown into a nuclear reactor. Superman then gives Lenny to a Catholic School and returns Lex to prison.

I left out the Superman/Lois flying date and the ridiculous Daily Planet b-plot. Flat bottles of Coke are more engaging than this movie. Its 90 minutes felt like two and a half hours and 45 minutes were cut out. Not to be too down on this movie, it was fun to watch and offered plenty of laughs, but I do not think I'll return to this one anytime soon.

Octopussy

The James Bond series is an interesting one that typically starts fairly seriously, gets a bit campy, then gets really campy and then swings back to the ultra serious. Most recently Pierce Brosnan exited as the movies were getting cheesier and Daniel Craig came aboard with a near tangible shift in tone, not even a hint of humor was to be found between the fast paced action sequences.

Roger Moore's tenure as Bond occupies the campier side of this ebb and flow of the series. Though it seems like it would be difficult to top the bizarreness of "Moonraker's" laser space battles and Jaws as the comedic relief, 1983's "Octopussy" does a pretty good job. It may just be because it was weirder all around. Moore was relying on gags and other comedic aspects of his character due to the fact he was 55 years old when the film was made.

After the title sequence the movie goes from circus clowns to stolen fabergé eggs. The villain, Kamel Khan, is an art thief/forger who not very menacing at all. He is selling his fakes, which seems like a possible nod to the much superior Sherlock Holmes villain Professor Moriarty in the "Final Problem" story. Anyhoo, Bond steals the egg at an auction in maybe the worst sleight of hand ever.

A whole bunch of other stuff that doesn't make a whole lot of sense happens, more circus stuff, James Bond in a gorilla suit, an all female island (it was bound to happen in one of the Bond films), and best of all Bond in a Crocodile water craft.

The plot is not really important, this movie is pure enjoyable escapism. It has some action and babes and cheesy lines. Sadly the movies have since shied away from this level of zaniness. These were the movies that other movies were making fun of when they would reference the Bond films. But even though these movies were pretty tongue in cheek you still get the impression that someone thought including a human cannon and the old killer-octopus-on-a-man's-face were good ideas.

Bio-Dome - Happy Earth Day!

So the posting is a little late, but for Earth Day we watched the 1996 Pauly Shore movie "Bio-Dome." I would like to apologize to the earth and say that we'll do better next year.

This movie didn't hold up. Sure when Stephen Baldwin can't say photosynthesis, that was pretty funny and when when they hit each other with nitrous tanks there were some guffaws, but like the nitrous scene things can drag out a bit too long. Most of the movie was spent watching the Shore-Baldwin team run around and then groaning every time one of their jokes went awry. If you are looking for a Pauly Shore movie that still holds up, head straight to "Encino Man," the title character was the role Brendan Frasier was born to play.

Not wanting to waste a precious blog post I want to use this entry to highlight one of the actors of "Bio-Dome." William Atherton, the antagonist of Bio-Dome and many of the other movies he is in. He is the guy you love to hate, Walter Peck and that reporter from "Die Hard" that gets punched out by John Mclain's wife.

One of the unsung character actors, Atherton has been acting in movies for nearly 40 years. He got his start in Steven Spielberg's debut "The Sugarland Express" and played some larger roles in the 70s and early 80s. Then in 1984 Ghostbusters changed it all for him (and cinema in general) as he played the mega weasel Walter Peck who forced the poor city worker to shut down the eco-containment system releasing all the ghosts that had already been captured. There is even an action figure for Peck!

Popping up in small but memorable roles quite frequently he has been doing a lot more TV acting as of late. If you see him shake his hand and tell him that he is cinema's best loved dickhead (or maybe an actual compliment). Viva la Atherton!

Zapped!

Made the same year as Porky's in 1982; Zapped! was a strange movie that follows in the same vein. The movie is pretty loose on plot, and by pretty loose I mean completely absent of it. It starts off with Scott Baio as Barney Springboro, the high school science brainiac playing with mice in scuba suits.

Later he, through a couple weird coincidences, manages to give these mice telekenetic abilities. A couple of amazing 1980s special effects later and BAM! Now Charles is in charge...with his mind! Much of what follows are close ups of eyebrows as that is the only way to convey some telekenesis is going on and Barney using his abilities to open up his classmates blouses. Oh the 80's, they really don't make them like that anymore.

Barney and his best friend and mouthpiece Peyton (who is also growing pot in the science lab, not much more on that later) beat up meat heads, cheat at roulette and use Barney's mental powers to win at baseball against a rival high school team with a 35 year old pitcher. Come to think of it there were a lot of full bushy mustachioed high schoolers.

Well after a couple of yucks some t&a and an uncomfortably long make out montage you realize nothing really has happened. There is no conflict and everything just ends, but not before a whole lot of torn off clothing and butts at the high school prom after Barney goes on an unprovoked rampage. No lessons learned, no character arc. Oh and there is this.

Rocky 4

Could the Rocky series be the most culturally significant film series in recent history? Lets take a look.

The original Rocky movie came out in 1976 and in many ways mirrored the life of Sylvester Stallone, who also wrote the movie. He was having trouble selling scripts and running out of money. The movie follows a character who is going nowhere, occasionally participating in a fight here and there, but never getting his career off the ground. Finally he meets a gal and decides he is going to really commit himself, rises up and develops a legitimate boxing career. This movie is outlining the American Dream, pulling up those boot straps, achieving your goals and getting the girl all at once. Going the distance. On a one way road. Eye of the tiger.

The following Rocky movies broach topics and worries that are on the minds of Americans. Rocky II plays upon themes of multiculturalism which was often discussed in the mid 70s and 80s. Apollo Creed the antagonist eventually becomes an close friend with Rocky after their rematch (spoiler: Rocky wins).

In Rocky III Stallone takes on the young thug ex-con Clubber Lang (played by...oh yeah! Mr. T). Lang does everything he can to goad Rocky into a fight. Finally when Rocky can't be pushed any further he steps in and puts Clubber into his place (spoiler: Rocky wins). Lang in this movie represents the young street thug/gang member that was worrying many people in the early 1980's (see Warriors, Assault on Precinct 13, and Grease 2).

That brings us to Rocky 4. 1985. The Cold War. The stakes were much higher, and Stallone took up the charge himself, directing and writing this time. Rocky 4 succeeds on such an huge level that it actually ends the Cold War.

The Russians bring their prize fighter Ivan Draco to the United States to compete in Heavyweight boxing American style. Apollo Creed, not liking the fact that he is getting a bit older and slower volunteers to fight Draco and after showboating a whole bunch winds up getting killed in the ring. Rocky challenges Draco to avenge his fallen friend. The fight is scheduled on Christmas in Moscow. Rocky goes to train in Russia and there is an amazing montage that manages to reverse all the cold war stereotypes. Draco has all the technology in his training facilities and Rocky is in the country training with ox yokes and running up mountains. Come fight time the two box for what seems like 25 rounds and by the end for some reason the Russians in the crowd start cheering for Rocky. (Spoiler: Rocky wins).

After the fight Rocky gives a speech that explains that his feelings for the Russian people have changed, and those in attendance had changed their feelings about him and if they could change then the war could end, or something like that. It is pretty epic all around. Oh yeah, Rocky's friend Pauly gets a robot!

Rocky 5 sucked but it is about the youth not respecting elders. It ends in a street fight.

Rocky 6 is all about Rocky not wanting to give it all up, but instead he exits gracefully after one final fight.

Rocky 7: Adrian's Revenge.

Future Gems!

So I went to check up on some of the movie night A-list directors, find out what they have in the pipeline. Good news!

Rob Cohen the auteur behind such hits as "The Skulls," "Dragonheart," and several episodes of 80's television favorite "Miami Vice" is returning to a series that has been quiet like a dormant volcano. Last we heard Xander Cage was killed in Borneo, or so the single line answer to the "where is Vin Diesel" question of "xXx: State of the Union" had us believe. Turns out Vin will be back for the third installation of the xXx franchise titled "xXx: The Return of Xander Cage."

He has copied career moves from all the great action stars. He is bald (Willis), it is hard to understand his speech (Stallone), sometimes tries to take serious roles to show off his range (most of 'em), and even tried his hand at kids movies (Arnold). But now he is back where he belongs, mindless plots that have been drawn out to the point of exhaustion (5 "Fast and Furious" movies...really?), some espionage elements that people really don't care a lot about, and explosions galore. Summer movie season won't come soon enough.

Absurdist Roland Emmerich has decided unfortunately to take a break from what he does best, which are modern (or ancient) disaster movies with little to no regard to the laws of science and nature, to make a political thriller. "Anonymous" will be about who actually wrote the plays of William Shakespeare. How is he going to bend this into an end of the world scenario? Where are the exaggerated natural global threats? Roland buddy, why didn't you just make your great post-apocalyptic sequel to 2012...oh wait, someone else already made "Waterworld." Maybe next time.

The Chase

Stockholm Syndrome has never been this much fun! Charlie Sheen and Kristy "the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer" Swanson star in this 1994 comedy. Meet Jackson Hammond a down on his luck, wrong-place-wrong-time type of guy who has been wrongly convicted of bank robbery. He accidentally kidnaps Natalie Voss, daughter of THE Dalton Voss (the Donald Trump of California) and is forced to flee from the cops.

Life Imitating Art?
This movie oddly mirrors the highway chase of OJ Simpson and the really eerie part is this movie predates the real life event. Well there are a couple of things that happens differently in the movie, mainly: cadavers falling out of a medical truck, members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers running amok, and the in-the-car-while-driving sex scene between Sheen and Swanson, but other than that the comparisons are pretty spot on.

Henry Rollins almost steals the show in the role of pursuing cop, or "standard issue street soldier" in his words. He and his partner are being filmed as subjects of a COPSesque television show. Rollins' mock enthusiasm as a police officer brings many a laugh.

The Chase never pretends to take itself seriously which is what makes it such a fun movie.

Troll 2

Recently we finally decided to watch the 1990 classic "Troll 2". A cult classic that was subject to the feature length 2009 documentary "Best Worst Movie." This was definitely the type of movie that you are looking for when you want to watch a highly entertainingly bad movie. But does it live up the the hype of best worst movie?

It is about a young boy who is grieving over the death of his recently departed grandfather, a plot point introduced at the beginning as his ghost of a grandfather is reading a gruesome story of trolls...goblins actually, there are no trolls anywhere in the movie (the movie gets points for being a sequel that doesn't even acknowledge the original in any way). Turns out that goblins are real as the boy finds out when he travels with his family to the town of Nilbog. His sister has a boyfriend who follows the family there with a couple of his friends in an RV which allows for some disposable supporting characters.

The residents of Nilbog turn out to be some sort of backwoods crazy vegetarians that are into spoiled milk. They end up turning one woman into easily goblin digestible mush and one unlucky dude into a living tree. There is a witch too, just for good measure. Said witch ends up seducing a teenage boy using an ear of corn (not as dirty as you may think, but just as disturbing). This is one of the more out there (and out of place) scenes in the movie and that is saying quite a bit. You know, as my lovely assistant Amelia pointed out, corn is highly symbolic in many pagan cultures. "It is a time of the sacrificial mating of Goddess and God, where the Corn King, given life by the Goddess and tasting of Her love is sacrificed and transformed into bread and ale which feeds us." Maybe the director is onto something...then again the movie features this scene.

Occasionally a bit too bizarre and disjointed, this movie is worth watching. It is a lot of fun, there are some cartoony gross out scenes and laughably bad dialogue. Best worst movie though? I am going to disagree there, it does not quite measure up the the gold standard in my book, "The Core." I feel the more money spent on the production of a movie and worse it is the bigger the failure. "Troll 2" wasn't aiming high enough. What do you think? Is there a ratio of cost+failure : higher enjoyment of watching said failure? Is this the best worst movie ever?